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emmelinewe

Would you consider having your (elderly) parents living with you?

Emmeline Westin
7 years ago

A recent conversation in the office fuelled this discussion topic. It's far more common to have elderly relatives living with you in southern Europe than it is in the UK, but of course there are multi-generational families here, too, who live together.

Are you one of them? Would you share your story with the community? Equally, if this is something you've thought about, we want to hear from you, too.

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Yes, I would
No, I wouldn't
Maybe, depends on the circumstances
Other - tell us
Featured Answer
  • katyruff21
    7 years ago

    My elderly mum dropped a bombshell out of the blue that she was struggling to cope and wanted to look at sheltered accommodation. I'm an only child and she lived 25 miles away. I work full time have 3 grown up children all living at home and although they are grown up the demands of being a parent still exist. Anyway we looked at some places and quite frankly they were horrible and she wouldn't be able to take her beloved dog so we decided to both sell our properties and try to find somewhere that would house me and hubby plus 3 kids and our dog plus mum and her dog. Trying to sell 2 homes and buy all at the same time nearly sent me insane! In the end mum completed on hers 3 months before me but with the help of her buyer and a dear friend we managed to keep a roof over her head until everything else fell in to place. With the capital she had she was able to make her part of the house disabled friendly and 3 Years later it's working really well. She has her own kitchen bathroom etc. Since we have been together she has a full mastectomy, several falls and lots of illnesses that have kept in bed for a couple of weeks at a time and as hard as all that was, it would of been 100 times harider had she lived an hour away. My kids pop in and tell her about their day. Mum has the dogs for company during the day and a chauffeur on tap if she wants to go anywhere. After 32 years of being married and living away from her I have had to get used to the "where are you going" and "what time will you be home" and the rolling of the eyes when I say late but touch wood it's working out quite well!

    Comments (24)

    • Bev Robson
      7 years ago
      I am the first 'no' vote, and tat got me thinking as to why. Perhaps it is because I am 60, my mother is 87 and lives 180 miles away. She is very independent and has a good support network of friends and relatives. Meanwhile I have had my in laws living close by for the past 20 years, getting progressively more frail, suffering from dementia and finally passing away within 8 weeks of one another at the end of last year. Working full time whilst juggling hospital appointments, visits, carers an social workers was incredibly hard, but it would have been physically impossible to accommodate them in our house. At the stage where they were capable of climbing stairs they wanted their own property. In fact they only moved into a care home six weeks before my father in law's death and that was at the insistence of social services as they were no longer safe to leave without 24hour supervision.
    • ali270
      7 years ago
      This question doesn't have a simple yes / no answer . When I got married my husband knew and happily agreed that my widowed mother would one day live with us . It happened sooner than we thought as she was misdiagnosed with a condition that threatened her eyesight .

      She lived with us for the first twenty years of our marriage. She was adored by her two grandchildren . She helped willingly and with our gratitude , with every aspect of running a home . As she got older and more frail our children would sit with her and share their lives . I am seventy now and miss her still . Perhaps I should add that we arrived in this country as Polish refugees .

      Recently I have witnessed the other side of family relationships. A neighbour , diagnosed with dementia and now dying of cancer , was placed in a care home and virtually abandoned by her daughter , who told me she couldn't possibly do the five hour round trip to visit her mother ! In six months she's been twice . Words fail me .

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    • Rebecca
      7 years ago

      We moved house over a year ago and found somewhere that could accommodate my in-laws as they were looking to downsize. We didn't need their help to buy our house but they have some contributed a lump sum which is actually really helpful. They extended their part of the house so now it's a proper annexe and they have their own separate part of the garden. It is so nice having them right next door but totally independent. They help with the children a few days a week after school and we never need evening sitters! The kids love having them right next door and we often eat together or socialise. I some years I know they will need our help and it's nice to know they are right there and we will be able to do so. I highly recommend it!

    • J&R K
      7 years ago
      last modified: 7 years ago

      I voted "maybe". I know that for some families it works very well, but for others it can be a disaster for all concerned.

      My mother lived a couple of hours away, in sheltered accommodation, for 17 years after my father died. She was happy there, had lots of friends locally and would not have wanted to move at that stage. Just before her 80th birthday, she was becoming less mobile and we suggested she moved to similar accommodation near to us. We were able to find somewhere less than 10 minutes drive away. That arrangement worked very well and we were able to give her a lot of support. She stayed there for 10 years until frequent falls and increasing dementia meant she needed to go into a nearby care home for the last few months of her life, where I visited her almost every day

      Having her living here would have been very difficult for all of us, and she would not have wanted that any more than I would, Our house is physically unsuitable for someone with mobility problems and our lifestyles were very different. Too many major compromises would have made us all unhappy and probably resentful.

      Her sister, now 94, still lives alone and refuses to move 300 miles to be nearer to her son because she does not want to leave her local community where she has lived for 30 years. She has been a very active member of that community, contributed a lot, and now her friends are being very supportive of her.

    • alyper
      7 years ago

      Always certain that not only would I not have my parents living with me, but also no way would I want to live in my sons' households either.

    • sooziev1
      7 years ago
      My father in law lives with us and has done for all but two years. It's not easy but it seemed thr right thinv to do at the time. He's nearly 92 and we have had to alter several parts of the house including the bathroom and adding a stairlift. Would I do it again? I don't know to be honest because it's been hard and it has taken lots of patience. If you plan to do it think long and hard as it's difficult to change your mind.
    • Alice Timmons
      7 years ago

      I'm in the slightly different position of currently building an extension so my daughter, son-in-law and my two grandchildren can live with me. Like many young couples, a house deposit was beyond them and the £1000 + rent they were looking at more than pays for the extension, plus fuel, council tax etc of the combined homes. They moved in four months ago, prior to building commencing and so far it's going fine, even in a confined space. We talked very openly and honestly before the move. We discussed the possible conflicts aroused by three very strong-willed and assertive adults sharing a home, and the issues of privacy and my coping with kids, cats and dogs on my treasured ice blue sofas! Once the extension is built, we will all have private spaces where we can withdraw for peace and solitude as necessary, but I'm able to see my gorgeous grandkids every day, my daughter and I actually enjoy cooking together and all in, it's a definite plus for us. There's no doubt I'm less lonely than I was.

      As a nurse who worked with older people with dementia, I did have major concerns about communal living with family, and I know things may change in the future. But I'd say to anyone thinking about it, there are pluses on both sides, but you need to be brutally honest and very brave to explore what might be the downsides as well.

    • Juliet Docherty
      7 years ago
      last modified: 7 years ago

      If you are in your thirties and your parents are in their sixties, this conversation is probably quite different to if you were twenty years older. We bought our house as we have four parents to take into consideration and the house is large with a downstairs shower room. However, as two of our parents now have dementia, the care that will be required is quite complex and the future is uncertain. My parents luckily have a bungalow that has space, two lounges and two bathrooms, one of which is a wet room. As it turns out it is much better for an elderly parent (one of whom has mobility issues). People are living much longer than they used to and this makes care of the elderly more complex than it used to be. It's a very emotive issue.

    • shepster1970
      7 years ago

      I moved down south around 12 years ago, and purposefully purchased a larger house to accommodate my parents. I am an only child, and my father has health issues, so I wanted him closer rather than a 4 hour drive away. Sadly my mother was murdered 6 years ago, but I was glad I still had my father living with me. It's allowed me to keep an eye on him, whilst he enjoys the company. He has his own independence, car, bathroom etc, and often goes out for the day. He's 77. Would I do it again? Yes. Would I recommend it? Definitely. My son has now said when the time is right he would like to do the same for myself and my husband as he said he really enjoyed having his grandparents around; he has a closer relationship with my father than he ever would, and another set of ears he can talk to, and he would like his children (when this happens!) to experience the same bond and love he has had in the past 12 years.

    • Juliet Docherty
      7 years ago

      Shepster, so sorry to hear what happened to your mother, but so inspiring to hear how you are having a great relationship with your dad. Lovely that your son can also see how it can be beneficial. Good luck to you all.


    • Emmeline Westin
      Original Author
      7 years ago

      Thank you for sharing Shepster1970 and I am too really sorry to hear about your mother - what a terrible time it must have been for you and your family. Wonderful that your son has such a close relationship to his grandpa and that you are all enjoying living together.

    • shepster1970
      7 years ago

      Thanks guys. It really does work, especially as my father has his own space/bathroom etc. It also means I get to keep an eye on him and his health issues :)

    • Jane G
      6 years ago

      Bit different for us, my hubby and I have moved in with my 91 year old uncle (I moved to Australia to do it!!). It's been over a year now and generally it's pretty good. All my furniture is still in store and I miss some of it. For my uncle life has changed a lot for the better (from our point of view), he's had his cataracts fixed, we've decorated the whole house (first time for about 20 yrs!!), he can see to drive himself to his new painting classes, but we can take him to hospital in the middle of the night, pick him up when he falls etc. We keep to our end of the house to give him privacy in the evenings. He no doubt thinks we don't do things properly and have thrown away things he would prefer to keep (dangrous kettle for one!). I am his sole heir, as he keeps reminding me and looked after his brother (my Dad) before he passed, so it was his wish to have us here if we could do it. Frustrating at times, but we are grateful to have a roof over our heads.

    • Heidi Cullen
      6 years ago

      I would happily take in anyone other than my mother. My Aunts, my friends, their kids all descend on me at various times and it is lovely. I am lucky that we all get on so well. As an artist my house is always untidy and covered in wet paint so I'm not sure anyone would want to share my space.

    • Caroline H
      6 years ago
      last modified: 6 years ago

      Dad will be 87 in September and is currently fighting fit and fully independent. I live in Surrey and he lives on the south coast, 100 miles away. When mum died last year I thought he might want to come and live in their 'flat', i.e. the upstairs at my home, where they stayed once a month. However, during mum's illness he built up a strong network of friends and became a regular in pubs and clubs, going out every night to mix with all ages and listen to all styles of music. He cycles for miles everywhere and attends language classes and occasional parties. In short, he is much fitter and more sociable than I am. He has decided that although he would have preferred to stay in the greater London area when they moved 30 years ago, it would be too much of an upheaval to move back now and make new social connections.

      I can only hope that he remains mobile and able to care for himself and his two bedroomed bungalow as I know he'd 'rather die than live with a lot of doddery old fools' in a rest home! I get on very well with him and everyone likes him and says what a great character he is, but being an only child I really value my own headspace and solitude, so seeing him for a week out of every four is enough for me. Perhaps if it came to it he might consider assisted living in a one bed flat near me. I can totally sympathise with anyone who says they wouldn't want their parent(s) living with them though, as the old saying is so true: you can pick your friends but not your family.

    • Juliet Docherty
      6 years ago

      One day we may all be 'doddery old fools'.....I'm sure no offence meant Caroline, but my dear dad who was an engineer and mathematician is now one of these. It breaks my heart, but it would have crushed his had he known. Your dad sounds amazing, long may he go on like this.

    • Caroline H
      6 years ago
      last modified: 6 years ago

      Thanks Colourhappy. I know that he's more concerned about being stuck with people who had nothing to say even when they were young, i.e. It's more about intelligence and personality than physical ability, which declines naturally eventually. I can't imagine that your father would have nothing interesting to say, but it's sad that any of our faculties can leave our control.

    • PRO
      Dresheld
      2 years ago
      last modified: 2 years ago

      I love my parents but I think each couple/family must have their private space so I don't think living all together is a good idea. Since they are old and living just in 2, 1.5h far from us and some activities could be hard or dangerous for old people we will adopt the decision of home care assistance. Some might judge me but for us, this is the best idea and there are nice associations with a personalized plan. Of course, we will visit them as much as we can but it's safer for them to have someone that can come in some minutes.

    • Jane G
      2 years ago

      Update on my comment above.... Unc was 96 last week!! And still going strong-ish.... My stuff is still in store, I'm still married, but don't think I'm sole heir any more! Reckon it's the dogs home and the neighbours now 🙈 Not been easy, screaming point from time to time as we do more and more for him and deal with the frustrations. But that's family for you......😁

    • Sonia
      last year

      I know this is an old post, but I thought I’d add that saying that Southern Europeans have their elderly live with them has not been my experience. My Italian cousin has her elderly mum live with her and it is driving her round the bend. Her mum has always been a difficult and demanding woman and even more so now. She is not doing it out of love, but duty. Another cousin has arranged for 24 hr care in her mother’s home as she has dementia and is bed bound. She confessed that it’s costing an absolute fortune but she has a restaurant to run and does not feel she can care for her mum full time.

      My mother was a very demanding and controlling woman and I was her carer as a child whenever she was unwell. When she started to develop dementia in her 80s I did consider having her live with me, but she had poor mobility and could not manage the stairs to access the only loo in my pretty tiny house. Also I don’t think I could have coped emotionally. Plus she didn’t want to! After several falls and leaving the grill on all night, my siblings and I decided a Care home would be best for her. We are talking about a person with dementia, very poor mobility and double incontinence. We found her a lovely care home a few minutes away and within weeks she had settled in well and even made a best friend. Seeing them holding hands was so sweet! The staff were lovely and I felt very welcome there. My sister loved it there so much she started to work there. Mum flourished in the home as she had company, good food and good care and our relationship improved until she passed away 2 years later.

    • Juliet Docherty
      last year

      Gosh @Sonia that is so truthful, sorry to hear about your difficulties. People are so quick to judge and make sweeping statements, life is never easy. I suppose it's gone on a long time with parenting, people doling out advice how to be the perfect parent 'look - my kids have turned out great, this is what I did' - no regard for parents of SEN kids etc. It's the same with elderly parents, some are easy and uncomplicated, some are not. My father's dementia was his worst mightmare, he dreaded getting it but never actually knew he had it. We told him the home was a hotel and distracted him whenever he got agitated. What I have taken away from the whole sad experience is that if there was ever a group of people who deserved a pay rise, but who would probably never go on strike it's carers - grossly underpaid and undervalued by our society.

    • Vicky A
      last year

      I'm currently in the process of buying a house with my mum - we actually made an offer on a property today after 30+ viewings. It's going to be a long wait until Monday to find out if we've been successful. The house as is would work for us, but can be future-proofed in any renovation we undertake

    • Sonia
      last year

      Hi colourhappy, sorry I had to get it out! Not all parents are great and we were all starved of love and affection so not easy to care for a parent who never showed us love. One of us has had counselling and the counsellor said we’d had a deprived upbringing with no love, cuddles or toys and constantly hearing our parents arguing. I just feel people should not judge unless they have walked a mile in someone’s shoes. Totally agree with you about carers, my sister became one and you couldn’t meet a kinder person. When I visited mum it was the carers that made it bearable, they were so kind and welcoming. When mum passed away I missed the staff, crazy I know! Nice to hear your experience of the whole system.

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